As I’m falling through the doorway
into the apartment I’m not sure if I’m alive or dead. I’m not sure
if this is how being dead feels, just a lot of hurting & an incredible
desire to get home.
I can see Katherine’s mouth
moving & feel the sound of her talking, but I can’t hear the words
as she comes to help me up. That I’m not trying to bite her makes
me think I must still be alive.
I don’t know how long it’s been
when I wake up; it could be a couple hours or maybe a whole day.
My mouth tastes like blood & I can feel with my tongue that I’m missing
at least three teeth. I open my eyes & call for Katherine &
she comes to me & kneels down on the floor next to the couch I’m lying
on & she’s got a glass of water for me with a straw. “Is it bad?”
I ask her.
She smiles & a couple of tears run out of her
eyes. “Well, your left leg & left arm are broken, your nose is
broken, you probably have some broken ribs & your right index finger
is missing.”
“Fuck.... I’m sorry, I didn’t
mean to swear.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry
I love you. I shouldn’t have come back like this.”
“No, it’s okay, you’ll be alright,
I’ll take care of you. I’ll get a doctor & in a couple of months
you’ll be back to normal. Drink your water.”
I drink some water & I’m
thinking about that movie from the 1930’s where a girl becomes a prostitute
to pay her husband’s medical bills after a car accident. I can’t
let that happen. I try to get off the couch, but I just fall on the
floor.
“Do I need to tie you up?”
I want to ask her to hold me
in her arms & shoot me in the head. “No. It’s just....
What are we going to do about food? Look at me. I don’t want
you to go out there.”
She helps me back up on the couch. “Well,
I don’t see any choice in that. I know you want to protect me, but
it was always inevitable that I’d eventually leave the house.”
“Did I ever get you a gun?”
“No.”
“Then...”
“Everything will be okay.” I
want to believe her & I do because when I reach to touch her face with
my bandaged bloody right hand she doesn’t pull away, but leans in to kiss
me.