phone interview with Richard N. Maslow, editor (not spokesmodel) of jack Magazine.  I think he's a really nice guy & he sees me as a pre-natal figure (whatever that means).  unfortunately jack Magazine is no longer with us (there's a new magazine with the same name, do not be fooled).  so here's another hopefully interesting interview with someone you've probably never heard of.

QRD – what's your favorite vegetable & why?

Richard – I like broccoli.  I can feed my dogs the parts I don't eat.

QRD – do you believe in the existence of unconditional love?

Richard – not from humans.

QRD – without sex, do you feel there would be a lack of social interaction in society?

Richard – I don't know.  sex gives me the creeps.

QRD – so what's your reason for social interaction?

Richard – commerce & exploitation.

QRD – how do you feel about sex as a marketing tool?

Richard – it seems to be very effective.

QRD – what's your favorite game show?

Richard – I know this is really awful....

QRD – you're going to say "Singled Out" aren't you?

Richard – yeah.  I just have to say it, because I'm constantly shocked.

QRD – the other day I thought they had guys with guys; but then I was let down, that wasn't what it was.

Richard – wouldn't that be fun.  but then we'd have another Jenny Jones thing where a guy didn't know he was being asked out by a guy.  if the murder took place right there on stage – that would be a game show.

QRD – do you feel inhibited or limited by your family or friends?

Richard – no.

QRD – how do you feel about the existence of aliens & ufo's &/or mankind's current fascination with them?

Richard – we're being prepared for contact before they serve us lunch.

QRD – oh really? so, it's not just something that you want to believe, but something you actually do?

Richard – I think it makes sense that it will happen sometime soon,  but it would be kind of cheesy if we make contact at the millennium.

QRD – you know, actually the millennium's already passed, because the calendar's off by a few years.

Richard – well, not many people know that & if they're smart enough to visit us before we visit them, then they're smart enough to know we don't know how to tell what time it is.

QRD – you know, the twelve inch Mars Attacks!! dolls' brain moves when he talks.

Richard – it's based on those bubblegum cards from the fifties.

QRD – yeah, they were banned because they were too disturbing for children.

Richard – that's the kind of stuff that, when I was a kid, that's how we thought of aliens.  the one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eater, that kind of stuff.

QRD – now we're stuck with grays.  which kind do you prefer?

Richard – the ones that make people take their clothes off & force them to do exotic dances..

QRD – so these new ones, these grays?

Richard – I think they're all the same: ghosts, aliens, real estate agents.

QRD – angels, aliens, egyptian gods...

Richard – yeah, it's all the same stuff.  sometimes they have conferences & get together around a big table & drink ice water from a thermos.

QRD – the angels & the aliens & the egyptian gods?

Richard – & the Freemasons.

QRD – the masons are scary stuff.

Richard – I saw a Freemason ceremony.

QRD – you had a Mason sighting?

Richard – somebody made a huge mistake & televised it on public access tv here.  maybe it was pirated.  the person who taped it didn't have the best seat in the house, but then the masons seemed to be unaware they were being recorded so it was all for the best, I guess.  it was one of the frightening, chilliest things I've ever seen.  it scared me & I don't scare easy.  I was slack jawed with incredulity.  I was slack jawed with incredulity.  forget the ceremony, the costumes were enough to make your hair stand on end.

QRD – what do you think about comic books?

Richard – they're too upscale for me these days.

QRD – if you won the lottery, would you make more or less copies of your magazine?

Richard – I'd spend it all on business.

QRD – what percentage of united states homes would own your magazine, 100%?

Richard – no, at least 114%.

QRD – how many people would have it if you got enough advertisers that it was free?

Richard – I think it's probably an audience of at most 500,000.  which is not a lot, there's like 250 million, maybe more, in the united states.

QRD – do you have a personal savior since 1800?

Richard – Aretha Franklin.  there've been times when she saved me, she's no longer my savior.  when I was a teenager she was; she kept me alive.

QRD – is there one now?

Richard – no.  that's why I'm gonna kill myself tomorrow.  "this is the interview he did right before he died."

QRD – do you think drugs & addiction are a symbol of weakness & sobriety a symbol of strength?

Richard – I think the decision to be sober might be a symbol of weakness.  I've never lost control on any drug which is actually disappointing & I don't consider it a sign of strength.

QRD – any interesting dreams lately?

Richard – I had a dream last night where I had nothing to eat in the entire house & I found a box of Brownberry croutons & I was so happy even though I've never eaten Brownberry salad croutons.  that's as interesting as my dreams get.

QRD – what do you think about plagues are you for or against them?

Richard – I think I understand why they happen.

QRD – why?

Richard – in principle they should act as a form of population control.

QRD – so you're one of those people who thinks there's a population problem even though if the world was as densely populated as new york city is, everyone in the world could live in texas.

Richard – well, that's an interesting picture.

QRD – so you're for plagues, but not one in particular.  none that you think, "that's a good one?"

Richard – a good one might be if people fell asleep & didn't wake up.  I'm less enchanted with boils & running sores & puking & your teeth falling out.

QRD – what music have you been listening to lately?

Richard – I've been listening to Frank Sinatra.  I'm trying to figure out why he's great.  he has a beautiful voice & I like beautiful voices.  But if he had to do a duet with a rock star, it should have been Beck, not Bono.  I'm an aesthete.  I like beauty.  I like beautiful sounds.

QRD – so you believe in aesthetics?

Richard – no, I believe in beauty.

QRD – how can you do that?

Richard – I believe in what I find beautiful.

QRD – I don't believe in beauty, because to believe in beauty is to believe in a superior being.

Richard – only if you believe that there's an ultimate beauty or a standard of beauty.

QRD – so you believe something can be beautiful to you & everybody else thinks it looks like crap?

Richard – yes.

QRD – I don't believe in beauty.  I'd like to look like the elephant man.

Richard – & why is that? let me interview you.

QRD – because that would mean I could isolate myself & completely control my social interaction & I could be myself & be uninhibited by the person people expect me to be.

Richard – you could do that without being the elephant man.  I spend half my life under a blanket & the world is mine.

QRD – how come your magazine is so physically big?

Richard – big pictures.

QRD – I got a possible slogan for you, "for people who like to read books with pictures."

Richard – that's not a slogan.  that's what jack Magazine is.  it's the same thing as a coffee table book, except it's a magazine.

QRD – so why isn't that a slogan?

Richard – it doesn't have any zing to it.  "all fluff all the time" does.  "only the lonely" is a slogan.

QRD – why did you kill Jewel (jack Magazine's advice columnist)?

Richard – we didn't kill Jewel.

QRD – you admitted that she was a guy.

Richard – I did that for you.  sometimes it's funnier to be honest.  it was kind of like Jewel's nervous breakdown where she just can't handle one more question from the lovelorn.

QRD – do you think lying is worse than murder?

Richard – is this a contest?

QRD – it's from QRD #3, "I can understand theft or murder, but lying's just wrong, why would somebody do it."

Richard – in order to save their butt.  it's a survival mechanism.

QRD – do you enjoy being sick?

Richard – only the medication & sleeping parts are good.

QRD – what about vomiting, for or against?

Richard – I try to avoid it.  last time I did it, I realized everyone in the building could hear me vomiting.  it wasn't that lovely private moment I thought it would be.  it lost its charm when I realized people in the music store downstairs could hear me through the vent.

QRD – why did you start your own magazine instead of just working on someone else's?

Richard – because I wanted to be the first one who did it.

QRD – who did what?

Richard – this magazine.  I knew that someone else was going to do this magazine.  I didn't know anybody specific.  I knew that this was the next step in magazines & I was trying to anticipate what was coming next.  so I wanted to be the first one & I wanted to have it copyrighted.  that's why I started my own magazine, I was looking three to five years out & I wanted to be there before anybody else was. I wanted to be there first & cash in.  this is a very deeply felt thing I'm doing.  I want money & power to make more magazines.  it's close to my heart.