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How to be a Pseudo-Intellectual   Hangout at coffee shops, preferably Starbucks or Caribou Buy a pair of non-prescription lenses if you don’t wear glasses Cut name-brand tags off of your clothing Smoke clove cigarettes or a pipe Take a contra dancing class Learn the difference between coffee types Carry around books written in french Hang Ansel Adams’ prints in living room Wear wool socks with sandals Trade in your book bag for a satchel Use a fake european accent Buy a coffee table Dali book Proclaim yourself agnostic Buy a corduroy jacket with suede elbow patches &/or a beret Flirt with people at the library Hangout at campuses of colleges you’re not attending Buy used books because they look read Run new books through dryer so they look read Listen to NPR to keep informed Use catch phrases in european languages Watch Ally McBeal, The Practice, ER, & X-Files Carry a thesaurus, but keep it hidden Listen to the Cure Buy the best wine available in the grocery store Buy the Twin Peaks box set Say you’re an out of work writer, actor, musician, or all three Get a poem published in the National Library of Poetry Answer all questions with questions, when asked if you’re a buddhist, answer that with a question